I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you mean i was at the winter classic?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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