well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
if only i could text you this smell
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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