I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
