woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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