The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
