I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
