A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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