If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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