I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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