Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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