So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize