Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
