I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
