I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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