help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
