I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
