So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
