Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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