Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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