I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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