I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
