Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Quick, to the slutcave!
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
