i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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