I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Randomize
