you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
