Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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