I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
