I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
