Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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