We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my shit smells like andre
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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