i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Congratulations! We have a period
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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