People with herpes should wear stickers.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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