My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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