ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
cat food counts as protein by the way
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
