Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
