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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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