I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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