my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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