Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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