i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize