I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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