I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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