This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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