Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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