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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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