So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
