Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
