I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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