So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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