Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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