apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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