why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
