found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
