I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize