Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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