Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
