"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
