My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
