Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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